Setting healthy limits with our children takes a great deal of work! What we know about kids is that they crave routine, structure, attention, and consistent expectations from their parents and the adults that work with them. Despite this, we can all attest to the behaviors, choices, and verbal responses that kids show in their effort to push the limits we set for them. Whether it’s the whining for that toy that we just don’t think they need, the ignoring of requests to do their chores, or the statement “That’s not fair!!” parenting with consistent limits takes a lot of energy and time. But how do some parents make it look so easy?
According to parenting resources such as Love and Logic (Jim Fay and Foster Cline), Kids are Worth It (Barbara Coloroso), and Dr. Laura Riffel(Behavior Doctor), there are several strategies that parents use to make this constant effort less time consuming and more effective.
- Model the behavior we expect from our kids.
- Have clear expectations/rules and support them with reinforcement (praise, attention, “thank you’s”) and consequences (natural and logical).
- Find time to give kids our attention by playing with them, engaging them in conversation, listening to them, laughing with them, and encouraging them.
- Provide choices within a set of parameters. “It’s time for bed, do you want to read books first or brush your teeth first?”
Have you experienced success or stress with any of these strategies? What ideas can you share that have helped you in setting healthy limits with your kids?
Please take the time to read these articles. They really get you thinking about our role as parents, and how we can help our kids. Let us know what you think.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/responsible.html
http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/guidingchildren.html
Thank you Mrs. Brannan, Leawood's social worker, for such a great start to our discussions about raising responsible kids. I would like to highlight point number 2. Having clear expectations and rules, and suporting them with positive reinforcement is something all the teachers at Leawood do on a regular basis. We introduce our PBS matrix in the begining of the year, and continually revisit it whenever the kids need a reminder. The matrix outlines our behavior expectations in the class, the hall ways, specials, the cafeteria, recess... everywhere. The kids know what is expected of them, and they respond. We typically respond with a positive such as a pride buck or recognition for making good choices and following expectations. These actions are continued, repeated, and expected as we set limits with our students. This is not always easy, but with clear expectations, reinforcments, and consequences, we find that setting limits is a very healthy way to raise kids responsibly.
ReplyDeleteI especially like the articles, they do make you think twice about our role as a parent.
Thanks for the info. It is great to have reinforcement for what you think you should be doing. Especially when at times you are questioning its effectiveness. It is hard sometimes being a parent that is not a helicopter parent to be in a world of parents that are. In the end it is so much better to have a child that can solve a problem than have a report card worthy of a scrapbook page.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this information. We have used the Love and Logic strategies in our home for almost 4 years now, and though we are far from perfect, we have seen some amazing results. The most important is that we don't lose control of situations like we used to and we are able to eliminate most of the frustration and anger that tends to rear it's ugly head in certain situations. Our children are learning that there are consequences for every choice they make, good or poor. We have vowed to take the Tune Up course in Love and Logic every couple of years, just to make sure we continue with this very effective...AND LOVING way of parenting.
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting it out there...I think a lot of parents will find relief in some of these techniques.
I was so excited to be stopped by a Leawood parent this morning. He let me know that they read the articles and are trying some of the techniques listed. They gave choices to their daughter and were so impressed how well it worked. I am so excited to hear these kinds of success stories. I hope that others are benefiting from this page. I would love to hear your comments too.
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